I write in here because I need an avenue for my grief. A place to channel my restlessness. The aimless wandering. The need to connect - but to who? To where? Whilst I have been able to enjoy a night out with friends or family more and more and go to work on a daily basis....there are moments in the day where the gravity of dad's loss hits me. Sometimes it's out of the blue. Sometimes something will remind me of him...a movie....a song... There are still some nights where I will cry myself to sleep. Or cry on the way home from work. Usually when I'm alone and have nothing to distract me from my thoughts. It's kind of exhausting having to distract myself all the time to avoid the influx of thoughts. Last week or two I felt like I was back at square one again....I realised it was the longest I'd ever gone without seeing dad. I well and truly miss him. My arms were literally aching for a hug....my stomach had knots and my chest was heavy. So I let myself feel it. I let it all out. I feel a bit more at peace now. Certainly now with mum back - I try not to pour out too much in front of her. I don't want to upset her even more. dad has only visited me in two dreams so far. i relish them - they feel so real. daddy, visit my dreams again and give me a hug please. i miss you!!!! well i guess that's all i have to say for now. it feels good to type it all out. xoxo