Anthony, Mum and I went to visit dad's grave site today to say happy birthday and leave some flowers for him. I have found it really really hard to visit the cemetary. For one, it still makes me angry and feel lost. I don't like that feeling. I'd rather feel like I'm still connected to dad. That I don't need to visit him at his grave and mourn where his body lies. It is in awful thought for me to think that he is lying down there. The thought of what he must look like now. It's not how I want to remember him or think of him. It is the very reason why it has taken us so long to organise his plaque. It has given me grief for a long time - wondering what everyone must think of mum and I for not having it done yet. The granite headstone is up. Just the plaque is missing. We ordered it this morning. It was hard but necessary and glad we have done it now. But still intend to take each step really really slowly. Not sure if I will go and see the finished product straight away (it will take 8 weeks! The porcelain for the photo has to be made in Italy or somewhere in Europe apparently). Seeing dads happy smiling face on the headstone may be too painful to bare now. Steps to moving on I know. One slow step at a time....