So the headstone is fully complete now. It looks lovely - very dad indeed. I waited about a week before seeing it...after Christmas and New Year. I managed to get away to the beach for a week during my three week holiday and it is something that i really really needed. I honestly feel like i have been on auto-pilot the last year. Managing day by day and exhausting my weekend energies to help pass the time...help ease the pain? The whole year has been a big blur. The other day someone was talking about overseas travel - I was like, oh yeah, I only went to three countries this year. Ummm, no Clar, that was 2011. That it was. The holidays was a time for me tie up loose ends that I have left unravelled due to my erratic brain functioning...to make peace with myself, with life, with God...boy has it helped. I feel I have finally taken those first few steps away from anger and denial. I had a dream about dad again last night. I like to think of them as visits. But it was the first one where I woke up smiling instead of bawling my eyes out. He was so happy and handsome and we were all happy and laughing. I miss him SO MUCH. Sometimes when I look at photos a part of me feels like he is just away on holidays. Then a second later I will remember and my heart sinks. The one year anniversary of his death is coming up and mum and i are preparing for it - having family over for prayers and a gathering. I LOVE YOU DAD. I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS. XO